This time last year I was an entirely different person.
I may look the same on the outside, maybe a couple pounds lighter (and much better eyebrows now) but on the inside, an ENTIRELY different person. I don’t believe it takes a doctor to let you know if you are depressed, and let me tell you: I was truly depressed and had a lot of anxiety.
Depression. It comes in many forms, and it has various symptoms. I don’t think it should be taken lightly when someone has the guts to admit they are actually depressed, but we downplay it all the time.
I remember when I finally started to admit to people I was depressed. 23 years old and I already had a job making $50k+ and I owned my own condo. How’d I do it? I worked very hard. So hard I forgot why I was even working and became completely depressed on the inside, but functional on the outside.
How can you be depressed when it looks like you have it all going for you? Easy, try having no purpose and not feeling connected to your why or the things that get you excited to get out of bed in the morning.
For almost two years, I did not want to get out of bed in the morning.. AT ALL. No one could comprehend how I could possibly not be thrilled about life. I developed a nasty negative mindset about SOO many things (a lot of this had to do with the lifestyle I was living; we will get to that in a few posts).
I remember a few days before I turned 24, I met a guy who I was comfortable admitting I was depressed to. He was an easy person to talk to and also easy on the eyes to look at (LOL). Meeting him was such a blessing looking back, because I was able to talk so freely about what was going on in my head without the fear of being judged or misunderstood.
Anxiety. January 31. The day before my birthday, I decided to have a get-together at a bar in Koreatown. I invited all my friends two days before only to find out a lot of them couldn’t make it (granted it was a Tuesday night, and I only gave them a two day notice, completely understandable). At the time I couldn’t understand it that way.. AT ALL. I had anxiety the entire day before meeting up with my friends that night (SIDE NOTE: It turned out to be a fabulous night, a perfect night actually). I remember wanting to look really cool so I could post a stupid picture online saying “Kobe Year”.. yeah, typical. I also remember feeling somewhat rejected..A couple years back I had tons of friends who would hang out with me without hesitation, but things were so different now. I couldn’t help but think: what changed? and that I was no longer as great of a person as I used to think I was.
Later on in the year I finally realized I changed. I stopped doing the things that made me happy and gave me purpose. I stopped hanging out with friends. I didn’t think I had control over any of it. I thought this is simply what “adulting” is. Later on in the year I also realized I was completely in control of my circumstances, I just had to have the courage to take a leap of faith.
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