This is a touchy subject.
One I’ve wanted to talk about, but one I’ve been very hesitant to talk about because in no way, shape, or form do I want to bash my old employer; but I do want to talk about my experience.
So we will do this without saying who I used to work for.. but if you know me , you know who I used to work for.
My first job out of college was an assistant store manager at a very well known retailer.
I took the job for the money. I remember interviewing for one of my dream companies during the same time I was interviewing for the manager position. I decided to go with the manager option that gave more money because I WANTED MORE MONEY. I felt like such a fraud. Just a few months before accepting the position, I was standing in front of a crowd of 8000 people delivering a graduation speech and my biggest line was Don’t Go For the Money. But I did it anyway.
I just moved home from college, meaning I was living on my own for the past 4 years. I was not trying to stay at home forever, and I was scared that if I didn’t take the higher paying job I would be stuck at home for God knows how long..
So I became a Loss Prevention Manager. Cool job right? The funny part is I had absolutely no experience in Loss Prevention.. criminal justice.. nada. Just a ton of leadership experience, which I’m sure that’s what got me the position.
I don’t know what the hiring team and district manager saw in me at the time but looking back I’m so happy they saw something. Working that position was the best thing that could have happened right after college. It was a HARD job, I’m talking 12- 14 hour days, on your feet, talking to random people and running an entire store. Not too mention I still had to focus on keeping people from stealing shit from the store (sorry mom LOL but that’s just how you talk when you’re in loss prevention). That job gave me independence. It gave me a crazy killer work ethic, and it gave me confidence. The type of confidence where you could look people in the eye and say “hey I know you’re lying to me so please stop wasting my time”. Killer confidence I tell you.
That job also gave me anxiety, oh man so much anxiety. One bad move and you could have lose your job in a second. You’d hear all these crazy stories about people getting fired and you’d only hope you weren’t next. The job became my life. I didn’t see my friends anymore, I was always so tired. Eventually I got used to the job and it just became a way of life.. but I didn’t want that to be my life.
I got comfortable. Comfortable with no longer going after my dreams but becoming the type of manager that other people wanted me to be. Now don’t get me wrong I definitely developed as a better leader but I wasn’t developing into the person I wanted to be. And that was the hardest part about working there. Sure I could figure out the metrics and learn how to excel as a manager and move up in the company. But I couldn’t do it without saying goodbye to my hopes and dreams.
It was hard to walk away because I started to really love my team, and the people I worked with but I wasn’t happy, and I was tired of pretending like I was. It was also super hard to walk away without another option lined up and a hefty mortgage payment that was due on the first of every month.
I remember the day I decided I was done, I was at library and standing next to this lady. We were on the same aisle looking at alll the books and out of nowhere she shouts, “CHOICES! We have so many of them”. I couldn’t help but think to myself, little lady you are so right. We do have choices and whether I wanted to admit it at that time or not I was choosing to be at that job. I was choosing to be stressed out and unhappy.
So later that day when I got to work, I went into my boss’s office and told him this would be my last month working there. Scariest moment ever. He asked me if I had been interviewing and where I was going next? I told him I hadn’t been interviewing. And I didn’t know where I was going next but I know I can’t do this anymore.
Shocked as ever, he shook his head and told me he understood and he could tell I was unhappy but thought I’d still push through. We ended that meeting on a really good note and it made me appreciate my boss because I saw him as a human who truly wanted the best for me. You don’t always get bosses like that but I’m so blessed I did.
This was the most simplest way I could put that time in my life. I would love to talk about allll the craziest I saw and the ridiculous things I went through, but looking back it was all good because it made me who I am today. Also, if for some odd reason I ever wanted to go back and work there, I wouldn’t want them to pull up me bashing the company online. I don’t think that’s ever appropriate.
Lessons learned: listen to that inner voice and look out for those signs around you. The thing about making big transitions in your life is that they are often super scary and no one is every going to tell you when or how to do it. Lucky for me I believe in God and I relied on him during this transitional time in my life.
If you’re looking for a sign, chances are you already know what you want to do/what you should do. You just have to jump.
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